Infertility Playlist: Yet I Will Rejoice

In October, Ryan and I will be married for six years. Although those years have been filled with many laughs, smiles, and love, they have also been filled with many tears. Not only does our anniversary mark the day we were married, but also the day that we started trying to have a family. October 8th will mark the 1,590th day of us trying and praying for a baby. Although infertility has taken us to some of the lowest valleys in our lives, it is there, in those desolate places, that the Lord has intimately shown Himself to us and where He has grown us the most.

Very early on in this season of my life, I knew that I needed to make a choice (as do you). I could either let the roller coaster of emotions that come along with infertility defeat and define me, or I could look to Christ who I knew would give me the strength to not only endure this season of life but abundantly thrive. You can read more about my infertility story here.

If you are hurting today because of infertility, I made this playlist for you.

This list of songs is for all the women out there who desperately need a word from the Lord. Those who need to know that they are loved, not forgotten and that God has amazing things planned for them and their family.

The title of this playlist came from the book of Habakkuk (which I highly encourage you to read, it is only three short chapters, but it will richly bless you) and these three verses in particular: “Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls—Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills” (Habakkuk 3:16-19).

Years ago, when I first read these verses, I declared in my heart that even if I never have a child, that I would still rejoice in who my God is because He is the God of my salvation and has already given me so much. If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. God knows your hurt. He is gracious, merciful, and understanding. If you cling to Him, He will comfort and lead you down the rest of the path that lies before you. He will help you get to the place where you can wholeheartedly rejoice in Him again.

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I created an Infertility Bible Reading Plan called Yet I Will Rejoice that I highly encourage you to take part in. You can get it here.

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The songs in this playlist are ordered in a way that reflects my own journey and struggles with the Lord these past years. Under each video, I’ve highlighted my favorite lyrics from the song and how the song ministered to my heart during a particular time in my journey. If you have Spotify, here is the link to the Yet I Will Rejoice Playlist. If you don’t have Spotify, you can listen to the playlist below.

These are the songs that chronicle where I was and where I am now. I pray that the Lord would use them to bless you and speak deeply to your hurt…

Once And For All-Lauren Daigle

“God I give You what I can today. These scattered ashes that I hid away, I lay it all at Your feet.”

During the first few years of us trying to get pregnant, there were so many days where I felt like I had nothing left to give. No matter how intricately I tracked everything in my body or how accurately I was able to pinpoint the most fertile days of my cycle or how hopeful I was that this was going to be the month that it finally happened, my period would always come. The day I started my period was always the worst. Along with the physical pain, came great emotional pain. On those days, I wouldn’t get out of bed or answer the phone. I wouldn’t even pray or read my Bible. I didn’t feel like I could do anything other than just cry and feel numb. I have never wept harder or felt so much hurt before. I felt like I couldn’t give anything to anyone, including God. During these days I would feel the Lord pulling me to open His word, but I just couldn’t. A few days later, however, when I would find my way back into the Word and read the comforting and loving words of my Savior, I would always question why I didn’t run to Him sooner. It was only when I laid my hurt and disappointment (which at the time was all I felt like I had to give) at the feet of Jesus that I found the most profound comfort and love that my soul has ever experienced.

Thy Will-Hillary Scott & The Scott Family

“I know You hear me Lord. I know You see me Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness You have in store so…Thy will be done…like a child on my knees all that comes to me is Thy will be done.”

I’ve gone through many different seasons in my prayer life for a baby. There were times when I prayed expectantly and full of hope that I would get pregnant and have a child of my own. Times when I stopped praying for what I wanted and started asking God to reveal to me what He wanted for our lives. I would ask Him if He wanted us to go to an infertility doctor, adopt, or to continue waiting. Then, there was a time when I felt as if I couldn’t even physically utter a word to God. I could fervently pray for all other areas of my life during this time, but when I wanted to start praying for a child, there just seemed to be no words. The only words that I felt that I could give were, “Not my will Lord, but Yours.”

Although the experience that led Hillary Scott to write this song was different than mine (you can hear how her miscarriage inspired Thy Will here), hearing her testimony blessed me so much and reminded me of 1 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

Oh God-Citizens & Saints

“Oh God, You never leave my side. Your love stands firm through all my life.”

When you’re in the midst of a storm, with no end in sight, it’s tempting to give in to certain thoughts that seem to pop into your mind. Thoughts that tell you that God has abandoned you and that He doesn’t care about you because if He did, He would give you what you want. He would give you a baby. Whenever these lies would creep in, I knew exactly who was putting them there (the devil) and that they were not true. However, I was so heartbroken, that I was still very tempted to give in to those thoughts. But, in those moments of temptation, I never gave in. Instead, I would quote Scriptures to myself because I knew that to dispell these lies, I had to proclaim the truth. I would tell myself over and over again that God loves me (Romans 5:8), that He only wants good for me (Jeremiah 29:11), that He is working out something good from all of my hurt (Romans 8:28), and that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). I would repeat these verses until my heart and soul remembered and believed them. This song serves as a beautiful reminder and comfort that God never leaves us. I also love that as the song progresses, so does the artist’s passion and intensity as he cries out to God.

Even If-MercyMe

“You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good all of my days. Jesus, I will cling to You come what may cause I know You’re able and I know You can.”

This beautiful song of hope is based upon the third chapter of Daniel, and I highly encourage you to read this story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego (and then watch this short clip from The Bible Series). These three men declared that God would deliver them from King Nebuchadnezzar’s burning fiery furnace, but that even if God didn’t deliver them that they would not forsake their God and worship the gold image that the King had built. Even though God has never given me a child, and He may never, I will not forsake the God of my salvation over my inability to have a child. I will not doubt His goodness. I will not question His love. I will not doubt who He is. My hope in this life, and in the next, is in Christ alone, not in a future baby.

God is bigger and more powerful than infertility. The simple fact is that God could have placed a child in my womb years ago, and He could place one in my womb today, but He hasn’t. This doesn’t mean that God isn’t good, loving or just. Rather, that my good, loving, and just God and Father has made this decision with my best interest in mind: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future‘”(Jeremiah 29:11).

Trust In You-Lauren Daigle

“Letting go of every single dream, I lay each one down at Your feet…truth is You know what tomorrow brings, there’s not a day ahead You have not seen. So, in all things be my life and breathe because I want what You want Lord and nothing less.”

I still remember the first time I ever heard this song. I had just finished running on the treadmill, my headphones were still on, and I was going through the mail. As soon as I heard the first line, I started to cry. As a follower of Christ, you must be willing to lay down your life, and all your desires and dreams, before the feet of Christ because He laid down His life for you. Jesus told His disciples that “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25). There was a time when I was not willing to do this. After a few years of trying to get pregnant, the idea that God might not want us to have children was weighing heavily on my heart. I knew this was a possibility, but that thought scared me, and for a long time I ignored how I felt about it.

I wasn’t ready to explore what not having a baby would mean, look like, how I would feel about it, or how it would affect my relationship and opinion of God. Even though I wasn’t emotionally ready to accept this, I knew I needed to lay my desire for a baby on the altar of Christ. I knew I needed to start ending my prayers for a baby with, “Lord, if it is not Your will for us to have a child, I pray that we wouldn’t.” I could barely get the words out the first time I prayed this, but I continued to do so every day and every day it got easier to pray. And even though my heart still yearned to be a mother, it yearned more for God and His will for my life. Truly laying down my desire to have a child at the feet of Jesus and saying, “Lord, this is what I want, but if it is not what You want, I want no part of it. I trust You and Your will for my life” transformed my heart, soul, and mind. 

Father You Are All We Need-Citizens & Saints

“May all our satisfaction be in You whose grace has set us free. Give us hope, give us faith, help us trust in Your guidance. From the depths of your grace You have richly provided. Thank You, Thank You, Father You are all we need.”

The next three songs: Father You Are All We Need, Desert Song, and I Am Yours served as my battle cry and declaration of praise when I realized that no matter how this story ends, Jesus is all I need. Throughout the years my perspective and prayers have changed dramatically. There was a time when I thought I needed a baby to fulfill my life so I would pray for a baby every day. As the days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years, I was confused and too weary to carry on in my own strength or understanding. My prayers stopped being about my need for a baby and more about my need for my Savior. I knew I needed Him to guide me in the wilderness of infertility and that I could not survive this trial on my own. As I continued to cry out to God in my desperation and hurt, I began to close my prayers with declarations instead of questions. They started sounding something like this, “Lord, I don’t understand why this is happening to me, but I know that You are good, loving, that You know my pain, and that You are working even this out for my good. I trust You and Your plan for my life. Let Your will be done, not mine.” As I kept praying these prayers and seeking God in His Word, my prayers and perspective changed once more. My prayers transformed from, “Lord, I need Your help.” to, “Father, You are all I need.”

Desert Song-Hillsong Worship

“And this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold so refined me Lord through the flame.”

If we allow ourselves to see it, there is beauty and strong faith found in the deserts of life. When we surrender our lives and desires for a child to the Lord, there is also great relief and peace. During the past year and a half, I have chosen to simply live my life and to stop waiting for my life to “begin” with a baby. Instead of having my eyes so focused on what the future may possibly hold, I now keep my eyes steadfastly fixed on Jesus and what He would have me to do in this season of my life. Carrying the weight and burden of not being able to get pregnant is just too heavy, and it was never something that the Lord ever wanted me to bear on my own. When I fully surrendered everything concerning my infertility over to Him, I found true and deep lasting peace. I found never-ending and overflowing streams in the desert.

I Am Yours-Lauren Daigle

“So I rest in Your promises, now I am sure of this, I’m Yours. Let the waters rise, I will stand as the oceans roar. Let the earth shake beneath me, let the mountains fall. You are God over the storm and I am Yours…Even the thunder and the wind obey at the command of my Father. I set my feet upon Your mighty name so let the rain fall harder. So take my everything, my flesh, and blood. I lay me down on the altar.”

Although it has been challenging and painful, infertility is not a curse that was placed on my life by an inhumane God. My inability to have a child has been the biggest blessing of my life. The Lord used it to call me to Him when I was living my life for myself. He has used this trial to grow who I am as a woman and who I am as a follower of Christ. He has shown me more of who He is during this season than any other time in my life. He has showered me with blessings beyond belief, and I know there is still more to come! I have seen how the fire and storms of life can exponentially grow your faith and trust in the Lord. Knowing that God controls everything including the water, earth, storms, and even my ability to have a child brings me great peace and comfort. Because of the trust I have in Him, and in His sovereignty, no matter what I face, I can rest in the truth that I am His, and not one hair can fall from my head without Him allowing it (Luke 21:18).

Hills And Valleys-Tauren Wells

Father, You give and take away. Every joy and every pain. Through it all, You will remain over it all.

I love this song because it reminds me of two verses that have really ministered to my heart in this season, Ecclesiastes 5:14: “In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other so that man will not discover anything that will be after him“, and Job 2:9-10: “Then his wife said to him, ‘Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!’ But he said to her, ‘You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?’ In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” It serves as a reminder that whether we are on the mountaintop of life or in a valley, God remains good, that He never leaves our side, and that He is accomplishing His will for our lives in Christ Jesus. In a short clip explaining this song, Tauren says something that has always stayed with me, “When you are on the mountaintops of life, learn to bow low, and when you’re in the valleys of life, learn to stand tall.” You can watch the clip here.

Ever Be-Kelley Heiligenthal

Now You’re making me like You. Clothing me in white. Bringing beauty from ashes, for You will have Your bride. Free of all the guilt and rid of all the shame and known by her true name.

When pregnancy doesn’t come easy or when you’re unable to get pregnant, it can make you feel like less of a woman. You’re ashamed that your body can’t do what so many other bodies seem to do effortlessly and naturally. I have felt this, and I know you have too. Hear me when I say that our lives, and who we are as women, are not defined by our ability to have children, but rather by who we belong to. We belong to Jesus, and our worth and purpose are to be found in Him alone. The Lord allows or shields us from certain trials in life so that we can become more like Christ, and in doing so can point others to Jesus. He is not punishing you; He is preparing and molding you. He does not not care for you; He loves you. He has not forgotten about you, how could He? He died for you. In Isaiah 49:15-16, God beautifully declares, “Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.” Praise Him for everything He has already done for you and for the work that He is doing within you now, even if you don’t know what that is. He has done great things and will continue to do so.

 The Garden-Kari Jobe

“I realized You never left and for this moment You planned ahead. That I would see Your faithfulness in all of the green.”

For the longest time, I thought this particular lyric said, “That I would see Your faithfulness in all of the grief.” When I look back over the last six years, it amazes me how much the Lord has grown and shown me. It’s overwhelming to think that He planned it all and that He has even more in store for the future. It’s amazing how many lights God has shone on different areas of my life and in my walk with Him that needed maturing and deepening. It has been in this season of so-called “barrenness” that my soul has flourished. Just this week, six years into infertility, God has revealed yet another area in my walk and understanding of Him that He wants to grow me in. I look to the future with excitement and anticipation of what He has in store (I will share with you what He revealed to me in a future prayer challenge). I want to go deeper. I want to know Him more and more.

The other day, as I was just praising God and realizing that He is never finished perfecting us here on earth, the Lord placed a picture in my mind and a verse on my heart. I saw a tree being deeply planted into the ground and the Lord whispered in my heart, “This is what I’ve been doing to you, deeply rooting you in Me.” And then I saw roots sprouting deep into the ground and going deeper and deeper as the years went on. Roots that were so strong and deep that nothing could ever uproot that tree. Then, He said, “This is what I will do next.” I was then reminded of Psalm 1:1-3: “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper.” Whether I bear children or not, my tree is not barren. It will bring forth fruit.

Watch Kari Jobi’s story behind the song to see how the Lord used a garden to minister to her during a very difficult time in her life here.

Seasons Change- United Pursuit (featuring Michael Ketterer)

Lord, You’ve been faithful to plant the seed, and You will be faithful to always send Your rain.

I’ve experienced so many different thoughts and emotions over the past six years. I’ve gone from desperately wanting a baby so much that it felt like I needed to have and carry a biological child to make me complete. Then, to being open to adoption. Then, to being okay with not having children. Then, to not even wanting children. Then, back to wanting a child and then back to not wanting one. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, to say the least, and I’ve probably felt every emotion I could feel. However, what has sustained me and brought me comfort is knowing that God is in complete control and that although my feelings change, He and His plan for my life never will. About a year or two ago, when I had no idea how I wanted this season to end, the Lord gave me a simple prayer that took away all my fear and confusion. I started praying, “Lord, I don’t know what I want. Thank You that You are in control and that I don’t have to make this decision. Lead me to where You want me to be.” It’s such a blessing and so so freeing to know that although seasons, circumstances, and people change, God always remains the same.

The Cause Of Christ-Kari Jobe

He is all my soul will prize regardless of the joy or trial. When agonizing questions rise, in Jesus all my hope abides. For this cause I live, for this cause I die. I surrender all for the cause of  Christ. All I once held dear I will leave behind, for my joy is this, O the cause of Christ.

Sweet sister, if you are hurting today, I want you to know that YOU are the reason that I have shared my story of infertility. You are not alone, and I don’t want you ever to feel defeated or hopeless as you journey through this season of infertility. I urge you to lean into God during this trying time, He will meet you and bless you abundantly. He has you on this journey because He wants to grow you. He wants to take you deeper. He wants you to know Him more intimately. Praise Him for this time and for guiding you through this trial. Our highest calling as women of God is not to bear and raise children, but to live lives pleasing to God while bringing others to His saving grace. My prayer above prayers for you is not that you would bear a child, but that you would be able to proclaim all the truths found in this song one day with conviction, love, and admiration for Your Savior. Seek Him. Trust Him. When you fully and genuinely surrender all aspects of your life to Jesus, and what His will is for your life, although you may not get everything you thought you wanted in life, you will receive everything you never knew you needed. When I think of your future, and all the places that the Lord wants to take you, I can’t help but smile. And I pray that you too would be able to smile at what’s to come: “Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future” (Proverbs 31:25).

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Please note that a singer or group’s presence on this playlist is not an endorsement from me that they have correct theological beliefs or are part of a church that teaches sound doctrine. These are merely songs that the Lord used to minister to my heart over the last six years and that which I think will do the same for you.  Charles H. Spurgeon put it best in the preface of his commentary of the Psalms, The Treasury Of David: “I am far from endorsing all I have quoted. I am neither responsible for the scholarship or orthodoxy of the writers. The names are given that each author may bear his own burden.”

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Infertility Resources

Yet I Will Rejoice (Infertility) Bible Reading Plan:

A Letter To The One asking, “Why Her, And Not Me?”:

Private Facebook Group:

While In The Wilderness: Words To Pray Over Your Husband As You Walk Through Infertility Together: